300+ Short Funny Quotes to Share with Your Family and Friends

Published on: May 2, 2024

Laughter is the best medicine, and Short Funny Quotes are a surefire way to get a good chuckle. Whether you’re looking to brighten someone’s day or simply need a pick-me-up, these quotes are the perfect way to inject some humor into your life. In this blog post, we will explore some of the best Short Funny Quotes to share with your family and friends.

From witty one-liners to clever quips, Short Funny Quotes offer a lighthearted take on life’s everyday moments. They can help us find humor in even the most mundane situations and remind us not to take ourselves too seriously. Whether you’re looking for a way to break the ice at a social gathering or simply want to bring a smile to someone’s face, these quotes are the perfect way to do it.

So, if you’re looking to add a little humor to your day, join us as we explore some of the best Short Funny Quotes to share with your family and friends. From silly jokes to witty observations, these quotes are sure to make you laugh and brighten your day.

Short Funny Quotes

1 I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. — Kevin Malone, The Office

2 Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns

3 If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them. — Reese Witherspoon

4 Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would. — Neil Gaiman

5 I don’t trust anyone who does their own hair. I don’t think it’s natural. — Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias

6 The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most. — Ann Landers

7 Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. — Kate Davis

8 All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. — Alexander Woollcott

9 The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. — James Branch Cabell ( Short Funny Quotes )

10 The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. — Oscar Wilde

11 I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. ― Bill Watterson

12 As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy. — Ralphie May

13 A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ― George Bernard Shaw

14 In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him. —Peterborough Examiner, Canada

15 All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work. —Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko.

16 Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. ― Ellen DeGeneres

17 Never miss a good chance to shut up. ― Will Rogers

18 The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. — Oscar Wilde

19 I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. — Joan Rivers ( Short Funny Quotes )

Funny Quotes

20 A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children. —Dave Barry

21 I don’t wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. — Cindy Crawford

22 If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once. —Aldo Cammarota

23 A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get. —William Lowe Bryan ( Short Funny Quotes )

Funny sayings

30 Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. — Mark Twain

31 If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin

32 Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller ( Short Funny Quotes )

33 Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished. —Leslie Nielsen

34 Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. —Tom Snyder

35 I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. — W.C. Fields ( Short Funny Quotes )

36 No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You’re old, you sag, get over it. — Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

37 I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. ― Oscar Wilde

38 The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. — Shirley MacLaine ( Short Funny Quotes )

39 The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you. — Rita Mae Brown

40 Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance? — Phyllis Diller

41 The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. — G.K. Chesterton ( Short Funny Quotes )

42 The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana. — Betty White

43 It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it. — Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls

44 I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. — Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

45 If you can’t be kind, at least be vague. — Judith Martin ( Short Funny Quotes )

46 My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates

47 Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment. — Robert Benchley ( Short Funny Quotes )

48 There are two classes of travel first class and with children. — Robert Benchley

49 The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. — Doug Larson

Funny inspirational Quotes

50 Reality continues to ruin my life. ― Bill Watterson

51 I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. — Jerome K. Jerome ( Short Funny Quotes )

52 Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes. — P.J. O’Rourke

53 Instant gratification takes too long. — Carrie Fisher

54 Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me! — Charlie Brown ( Short Funny Quotes )

55 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

56 Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. —Rod Stewart ( Short Funny Quotes )

57 Well, you know what they say: If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me. — Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

58 I drink to make other people more interesting. — Ernest Hemingway

59 I’ve had great success being a total idiot. ― Jerry Lewis ( Short Funny Quotes )

Funny motivational Quotes

60 The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen. — Sarah Brown

61 People say, ‘How do you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup. — Dolly Parton ( Short Funny Quotes )

62 Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door. — Marcelene Cox

63 Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that. — Ellen DeGeneres

Humorous Quotes

70 Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any. — Samuel L. Jackson

71 Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most. —Addison H. Hallock

72 Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos. — Stanley Hudson, The Office

73 The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. — Lucille Ball

74 So this is my life — until I win the lottery. — Jim Halpert, The Office

75 A woman is like a tea bag: You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. — Eleanor Roosevelt ( Short Funny Quotes )

76 It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, ‘Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don’t lean back in your chair.’ Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along. — Erma Bombeck

77 Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese. — Luis Buñuel

78 All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence then success is sure. — Mark Twain

79 There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. — Jerry Seinfeld ( Short Funny Quotes )

80 Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there. — Will Rogers

81 I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. — Phyllis Diller

82 I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. And I also know that I’m not blonde. —Dolly Parton

83 Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. — Pauline Thomason

84 A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. —Robert Benchley ( Short Funny Quotes )

85 People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass. — Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

Having fun Quotes

86 Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families. —Anonymous

87 Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping. — Blanche Devereaux, The Golden Girls

88 Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. — Paula Poundstone ( Short Funny Quotes )

89 I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. — Pam Beesly, The Office

90 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? —Edgar Bergen

91 If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to. —Dorothy Parker

92 My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best. ― Winston S. Churchill ( Short Funny Quotes )

93 Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe. ― Albert Einstein

94 Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company. — Mark Twain

95 I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it. ― Mae West ( Short Funny Quotes )

96 Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell

97 Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. —Mark Twain ( Short Funny Quotes )

98 Everything I have I owe to this job… this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job. — Jim Halpert, The Office

99 The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. —Mark Twain

100 If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one. —Andrew A. Rooney

101 Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. —Mark Twain ( Short Funny Quotes )

102 My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. — Garry Shandling

103 If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. ― W.C. Fields

104 Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face. —Truvy Jones, Steel Magnolias ( Short Funny Quotes )

105 There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. ― Mindy Kaling

Funny phrases

106 Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you. —Jay Trachman

107 An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true. — Michael Scott, The Office

108 Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it. — David Lee Roth ( Short Funny Quotes )

109 I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. ― Charles Lamb

110 Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. —Anonymous

111 I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. — Zach Galifianakis

112 Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. — Oprah Winfrey

113 People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. – Joan Rivers ( Short Funny Quotes )

114 I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!! ― Charles M. Schulz

115 Don’t be so humble you are not that great. ― Golda Meir

116 True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. —Kurt Vonnegut

117 People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. — Isaac Asimov

118 The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone. — Dolly Parton ( Short Funny Quotes )

119 Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway. — Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

120 If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them. —Phil Pastoret ( Short Funny Quotes )

Funny friendship Quotes

121. Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.-Greg Tamblyn

122. If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.-Unknown

123. I’d take a bullet for you. Not in the head. But like in the leg or something.-Unknown

124. Me and my best friends can communication with just facial expressions.-Unknown

125. We will always be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we will be new friends.-Unknown

126. There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.-Linda Grayson

127. We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.-Unknown ( Short Funny Quotes )

128. Real friendship is when you friend comes over to your house and then you both just take a nap.-Unknown

129. We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall , I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.-Unknown

130. Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.-Unknown

131. You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.-Laurence J. Peter

132. Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.-Unknown

133. Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’-Cookie Monster

134. A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.-Bernard Meltzer ( Short Funny Quotes )

Funny Quotes About Life

135. “I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.”―Oscar Wilde

136. “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.”—Stanley Hudson

137. “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.”―Isaac Asimov

138. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”—Zach Galifianakis

139. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”―W.C. Fields

140. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.”—Mark Twain

141. “I’m killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.”―Bill Watterson

142. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.”—W.C. Fields ( Short Funny Quotes )

143. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”—Rodney Dangerfield

144. “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”—Kevin Malone

145. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”—Mark Twain

146. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”—Anonymous

147. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller ( Short Funny Quotes )

Funny love Quotes

A fabulously funny love quotes collection including cute quotes you can send to your boyfriend or girlfriend, and funny quotes about love, marriage, and relationships too. ( Short Funny Quotes )

148. I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

149. I solemnly swear I am up to no good. Especially when I am all alone with you!

150. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when I’m with you!

151. Love makes people do silly things. Like, it made me send you this message!

152. You’re just like bacon, beer and chocolate – you make everything better.

153. He stole my heart so I’m planning revenge… I am going to take his last name.

154. Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!

155. Promise yourself not to be a woman who needs a man to live, but a woman a man needs.

156. Forever is a long time, make sure you spend it with someone who makes you laugh!

157. Every girl deserves a guy that can make her smile even when she doesn’t want to.

158. You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet.

159. I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.

160. Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to “Unstable”. ( Short Funny Quotes )

161. Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe. So basically a clown ninja.

162. Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it

Funny Sister Quotes

163. “Best friends? Nah, she’s my sister.” – Unknown

164. “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” – Charlotte Gray

165. “A Sister is a cure for swollen heads and ego trips.” – Pam Brown ( Short Funny Quotes )

166. “Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer.” – Louise Glück

167. “The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend.” – Cali Rae Turner

168. “Parents die, daughters grow up and marry out, but sisters are for life.” — Lisa See

“Sister and friend: two words that mean the same thing.” – Unknown

169. “I can’t remember if I am the good sister or the evil sister.” – Unknown

170. “As I grew up, one of my strongest allies has been my sister.” – Patti Smith

171. “Back off, I have a sister and I’m not afraid to use her!” – Unknown ( Short Funny Quotes )

172. “Sisters will always love you tomorrow no matter what you do today.” — Marinela Reka

173. “Little sisters can be a pain, but the big sister heroine worship can’t be beat.” – Allison M Lee

174. “Sister to sister we will always be, a couple of nuts off the family tree.” – Unknown

175. “I smile because you’re my sister. I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.” – Unknown

176. “We are sisters. If I am mad at someone, you are mad at them, too. End of story.” – Unknown

Funny work Quotes

177. “Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown

178. “Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous ( Short Funny Quotes )

179. “Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

180. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde

181. “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown

182. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen

183. “Delegate your work. Stop spending dollar time on penny jobs.” — Mary Kay Ash

184. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman

185. “Where people aren’t having fun, they seldom produce good work.” – David Ogilvy

186. “The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx

187. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates

188. “It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower ( Short Funny Quotes )

189. “My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown

190. “My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous

191. “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis

Funny senior Quotes

192. “The roof is not my son, but I will raise it.” —Anonymous

193. “Can I please stay another year? – said no one.”

194. “Why fall in love when you can fall asleep.”

195. “One day I will rule the world.” ( Short Funny Quotes )

196. “I know what you’re all thinking, ’How did I pass this guy up?’”

197. “You’re all gonna regret not dating me in high school.”

198. “If I still look this good in 10 years, I’ll be happy.”

199. For twins: “My senior project was to make a clone.” “A+”

200. “It’s call garbage can, not garbage cannot.”

201. “See kids? I told you I was good looking in high school.”

202. “Any pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard enough.”

203. “Goodbye old boyfriends. Hello new boyfriends!”

204. “You can’t move forward without saying goodbye to the past.”

205. “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. It’ll soon be here.” ( Short Funny Quotes )

206. “No more homework, no more books! No more teacher’s dirty looks!”

Yearbook Quotes / funny yearbook

207. “Futures don’t make themselves, you have to create them.”

208. “Yesterday is what brought you to today.”

209. “When the last bell rings, I might actually miss this place.”

210. “Graduation is the first step of the next chapter of your life.”

211. “Dear future self, ’Always remember who got you where you are today.’”

212. “If you follow your dreams, you are capable of anything.”

213. “Your future is only as good as the work you put into it.”

214. “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.” ( Short Funny Quotes )

215. “Thanks for all of the memories. I had the time of my life! Miss you all!”

216. “Nothing in life is impossible as long as you take that first step.”

217. “Thanks Mom and Dad! I couldn’t have done it without you!”

218. “Don’t assume the answer is no before you ask the question.”

219. “All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.”

220. “Live your life as if you already are where you want to be.” —Russell Simmons

221. “Invest in yourself. Become the best you that you can possibly be.” —William Scaec

222. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

223. “If you can do what you do best and be happy, you are further along in life than most people.” —Leonardo DiCaprio ( Short Funny Quotes )

224. “Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.” —Stephen Covey

Funny family Quotes

225. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns

226. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin

227. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw

228. “When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.”—Henry Fielding

229. “What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen ( Short Funny Quotes )

230. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”—Jim Carrey

231. “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William

232. “Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown

233. “It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White

234. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan

235. “Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher ( Short Funny Quotes )

236. “Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret

237. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope

238. “When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.””—Unknown

239. “Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown

240. “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown

Funny movie Quotes

241. “I am a cotten-headed ninny-muggins!” Elf, 2003

242. “I’m in a glass case of emotion!” Anchorman, 2004

243. “It’s like I have ESPN or something.” Mean Girls, 2004

244. “Bend…and snap!” Legally Blonde, 2001

245. “Really, really ridiculously good-looking.” Zoolander, 2001

246. “Keep the change, ya filthy animal.” Home Alone, 1990

247. “Do you prefer ‘fashion victim’ or ‘ensemble-y challenged?'” — Cher Horowitz, Clueless

248. “Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?” — Tony Stark, The Avengers

249. “There’s no top part – I definitely remember Dad having a top part!” — Barley, Onward

250. “If you wear a dress, and have an animal sidekick, you’re a princess.” — Maui, Moana

251. “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada ( Short Funny Quotes )

252. “Tina, you fat lard! Come get some dinner! Tina, eat. Food. Eat the food!” Napoleon Dynamite, 2004

253. “‘Greater good?’ I am your wife! I’m the greatest good you’re ever gonna get!” The Incredibles, 2004

254. “Florals in spring? Groundbreaking.” — Miranda Priestly, The Devil Wears Prada

255. “I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom!” — Mrs. George, Mean Girls ( Short Funny Quotes )

256. “I share a drawer with a phone book and she’s got two closets?” — Alex Fielding, Twitches

256. Bella Swan: “Vampires play baseball?” Edward Cullen: “It’s the national pastime.” — Twilight

Meme Quotes

Memes are a great way to transfer that information and they can provide little bursts of laughter, advice, or knowledge. Memes are usually based on popular culture and if you are in a meme, you are famous!

257. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott

258. “Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” – Billie Burke

259. “I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C. Fields

260. “It isn’t that I’m not a people person, I’m just not a stupid people person.” – Unknown

261. “I’m pretty sure if I smacked the stupid out of you there wouldn’t be anything left!!!” – Unknown

262. “Some people only recognize me for that – ain’t you the meme guy?” – Nick Young

263. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea ( Short Funny Quotes )

264. “If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, don’t ask a stupid question.” – Unknown

265. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin

266. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” — Frank Sinatra

267. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield

268. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” — Oscar Wilde

269. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I’m probably at work…” – Unknown

270. “Maybe if we tell people brain is an app, they will start using it.” – Unknown ( Short Funny Quotes )

Funny Food Quotes

There are also some food quotes that will have doing some deep belly laughing, so keep reading…

271. “You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.” ― Unknown

272. “Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.” ― Unknown

273. “Carbs are the answer. No matter the question.” ― Unknown

274. “There’s no “we” in ice cream.” ― Unknown ( Short Funny Quotes )

275. “A party without a cake is really just a meeting.” ― Julia Child

276. “My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.” ― Unknown

277. “Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.” ― Unknown

278. “I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.” ― Unknown

279. “Food is symbolic of love when words are inadequate.” ― Aland D. Wolfelt

280. “Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” — Hippocrates

281. “There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box in your lap.” ― Kevin James

282. “I just don’t want to look back and think I could’ve eaten that.” ― Unknown

283. “Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?” ― Unknown ( Short Funny Quotes )

284. “He who does not mind his belly, will hardly mind anything else.” — Samuel Johnson

285. “Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.” – Orson Welles

Funny sarcastic Quotes

286. “It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”

287. “If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”

288. “I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.”

289. “If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.”

290. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.”

291. “Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.”

292. “When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like ‘East.'” ( Short Funny Quotes )

293. “Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.”

294. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

295. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

296. “I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.”

297. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.”

298. “Sometimes I wish I were a nicer person, but then I laugh and continue my day.”

299. “If you’re waiting for me to give a crap, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be while.”

300. “How much better would it be if a liar’s pants really did catch on fire?”

301. “You’d be in good shape… if you ran as much as your mouth.”

302. “Fun fact: Alcohol increases the size of the ‘send’ button by 89%.”

303. “Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.” ( Short Funny Quotes )